Learning How to be Men

June 8, 2010 Read 2 comments and add your own

This document came from a training group I taught that consisted of three male therapists learning skills in narrative therapy. To practice skills in creating community documents, we decided to create one of our own. Building on themes from the year long training process, the group decided to interview each other on how they learned to be men. This is the document that was created…

Learning how to be men…

Don’t cry- Many of us were taught that “Men don’t cry.” This is sometimes helpful and other times not helpful. It is good for certain environments. For certain work settings, like finance, these skills have been very helpful to us.

Be authentic – All of us can relate to the value of being authentic. It connects with integrity and we were taught this by our fathers, coaches, grandfathers, teacher as well as women in our lives. One of us was in his 30’s when he saw men that he admired speaking honestly about how they felt for the first time. This was transformative. When we are authentic, we think this increases other’s ability to be authentic. Now, some of us choose to be authentic even if it means being vulnerable rather than just “looking good.” It makes us possible to be known and for others to be known. For another one of us, it was his wife that helped him bring out what he was trying to medicate by drinking. He was forced to talk about his feelings and this is what helped him feel better.

Be honesty – We have been taught that, “integrity is paramount.” One of us referenced the Kung Fu TV series, and how David Carradine looked inside himself, and spoke the truth despite the consequences. One of us was taught the value of integrity by his 12 step sponsor. He realized if he lied or stole in even if he wasn’t caught, he would know himself as a liar. He would say, “You caught you.” That one day changed his life forever. He realized that his self esteem couldn’t change unless he saw himself with integrity.

Intelligence is important – We all engage in learning and education any chance we get. Our dads taught us this. We like to read. We are all participating in this training group. And some of us have gone back to school later in life. Some of us have changed our career later in life because we wanted to learn more.

The value of hard work- We have learned to try our hardest and stay determined to meet our goals in life. All of us have been taught this and working hard has served us well. Most of our fathers and grandfathers were hard workers.

Protecting people less powerful – We were taught to protect those with less power. Instead of using our power over others, we want to protect those with less power like we have been taught. Be kind and compassionate is important. One of us was taught to be kind and compassionate by the Christian Brother’s who ran his high school. One of us had an experience when he was little where his dad saved him from an aggressive dog. And then he grew up to be the “bully preventer” at school. And he usually avoided violence with his negotiation methods. This value has helped all of us stick up for those marginalized.

None of us are that dissimilar – During this discussion, we noticed that there were so many similarities between us and so much common in our stories. We mused how to invite conversations for others to see their similarities and celebrate differences. One of us realizes from his work with men in prison that there is not much dissimilarities. Talking about these skills we all learned has us feeling like we are kindred spirits. We are enthused by how we can bring similar conversations to the folks with whom we work.

What’s Guilt Got To Do With It?

June 4, 2010 Read 2 comments and add your own

What’s guilt got to do with it? Everything and nothing. I remember reading long ago that there is but two emotions, love and fear. But I am left wondering where does guilt fall in the mix? (Though, I can guess where it falls, since it is not near “love”. But I’ll get back to that later.)

I want to know more about the phenomena of guilt because the people who come to talk to me everyday are constantly up against its devastating ways. And, it is not only them! It is also most of my friends and family members. Even yours truly is not immune to guilt’s “dis”-ease. And from what I have noticed so far, guilt has us taking actions that are often frustrating, usually hurtful, and sometimes self-destructive. Are we ALL walking around with guilt? But, why? I mean, do we want to be frustrated, hurtful and self destructive? If not, I ask again: Why?

So, what is guilt? That is a hard question to answer since guilt has as many definitions as people who feel it. People make meaning around guilt a myriad of different ways. And they respond to it in just as many ways. For me, guilt is a fear. It is a fear that I am someone who I don’t want to be. I am less than perfect. Either because what I think I did or how I think someone else thinks of me. For me, it is not necessarily about ethics or right and wrong or about sinning: It is how I view myself as a self. Am I less than perfect? I am literally judging myself*** to be less than perfect. Another way to look at it is that I don’t trust myself or that I am separated from my spirit. (But this can also be a definition of fear.)

Anyway, I have been studying lately how people have been reacting to guilt. These are some of the ways I have uncovered: Hating oneself, hating one’s body, having an eating disorder, blaming self for things one didn’t do (i.e., getting abused), accusing others of something, judging others, having obsessions and or compulsions, feeling depressed and or anxious, feeling spiritually disconnected or unworthy, feeling generally unworthy, feeling like a victim, acting like a victim, being irritable, being angry, acting violently, feeling like no one wants them or loves them, overeating, self punishment, self harm and wanting to kill oneself.

I want to go into each of these and give examples so that they can be recognized quickly when it is present. Guilt likes to hide behind other problems, so it is sometimes hard to recognize. My hope is that when it is recognized two things can be done. The first is to find out what is held precious that is in the shadows of guilt and two, hold on to that preciousness and realize that guilt by my definition is never helpful nor is it ever the “truth”. Once we know this is false, we don’t have to carry it anymore.

***Here I go again, talking about self judgment. It is such a problem! (To read more, please see Globs of Self Judgment and Worry Glob, Too.)

Google and Therapy

April 27, 2010 Read 2 comments and add your own

I often employ a co-therapist during my sessions. There are many co-therapists that I work with, but none that are more available, none that I more frequently turn to than the one who ‘has all the answers.’ Yes, it is Google. I love Google. It staves off my faux pas, quenches my thirst for information, and immediately gratifies me, all at the tap of a finger. I love it. Where else can you find, sports, history, current events, health, food, animals, spiritual, visual and retail information all in one place? Google! Google! Google! Did I mention I love Google? Why wonder about anything, when you can Google and learn? The two reasons I love Google so much has just dawned on me: Number 1: I am insatiably curious, and number 2: I love to learn. As you might be imagining, I use Google in my personal life, frequently. However, you might be curious how I use it in my therapy sessions. This is simple.
Let me first tell you why I might need it. I often witness that the people who meet with me often have some very strong beliefs about how life works. On occasion, especially when they are not feeling good emotionally, spiritually or physically, the beliefs that they are holding about themselves and their situation create an obstacle to feeling better. In other words, the belief limits the healing. It is my job to deconstruct that belief, thus undermine its power which dismantles its potential for further harm.
There are many instances when I do not have the answers. Shocking, right? (My family’s rolling on the floor laughing). Sometimes researching information helps us deconstruct the beliefs, as in finding evidence that they are not ‘true’ or that there is another belief contraindicated to them. For example, a woman who was sexually abused held the belief that people who were sexually abused had a greater chance of being sexually assaulted again. This belief limited her ability to heal from her anxiety of going out in public. We googled this idea to see if we could find any evidence for or against it. Our deconstruction questions were: Is this a myth or a statistic? And, if it is a statistic, what is the theory behind this?
Our great search engine came up empty. We found very little evidence that this was true, save a few people’s opinions. The women in therapy felt that ‘opinions’ did not make good proof that this was ‘true’, however their reasonings help her belief that it doesn’t have to be true for her (since they were specific cases). She felt safer trying to go out of her house.
Finding information this way, has the added bonus of de-centering me as a therapist. As we are co-researching is it plain to see that I am not an expert. Actually, it is not just Google that is my co-therapist; it is all the writers and commenters on the internet who share their ideas and knowledge. For them, I am grateful.

‘Positive Thinking’ Skills and Obstacles- Part 3: Knowing Your Worthiness

April 5, 2010 Read 3 comments and add your own

The third obstacle to positive thinking that is often mentioned is feeling unworthy of good things happening. At times, I find this obstacle hard to escape myself and this is what I find myself thinking and believing: “Other people go through such hard times; I do not deserve to ask to get out of my suffering. They deserve it more than I do. I actually deserve to endure this suffering to make up for all the good things I have.” By what, then, do I rate my worth– by amount of suffering I’ve done? It seems somewhat humorous from this perspective, but I comprehend it at the same time. I was indoctrinated by this notion since I was little as I grew up in a Catholic household and giving value to suffering can be directly traced to Christian history.

Standards of worth always come from the contexts of our lives. Our cultural context regulates how much we are worth depending on our race, gender, sexual orientation, thinness, beauty, youth, abilities, socioeconomic status and intelligence (among other things).

Our family and close relationship contexts also, as you can imagine, set standards for worth and let us know how we measure up. The voices in our head often reflect what another has said to us. I have heard a young person say: “I am not worth feeling better, I don’t deserve it.” She didn’t pro-offer a reason, just stated it like a fact. It had truth status in her head. Through careful questioning, I found out it held that status because the voice in her head repeated it over and over so often that it was hard not to believe. Once we investigate this a bit more, invariably we’ll find out this voice represents an actual person or persons, and /or that this meaning was deducted from a particular situation.

It can be significant to locate where in the context of our lives that our notions of worth come from. It is when we discover how we created meaning around our worth that we can counter that meaning with other stories of worthiness. Because there are limitless stories in our lives, it stands to reason that whether they are or aren’t visible to us in the moment, everyone has some accounts of worthiness. We have to have some familiarity with ‘worthiness’ to even know to call ourselves ‘unworthy’. It is when we find these stories of worthiness; we are able to continue to talk about moving past this obstacle to continue on our path of positive thinking.

I was speaking to a young person about her current partner’s past infidelity. The event happened 18 months ago, but the consequences of this confound her daily in nightmares, distrust and worry which continually cause conflict in the relationship. She asked me what I do when negative thought come to my mind. I told her that I first locate that ‘message’ in the context it came from and this gives me a bit of distance from the situation. Like a ‘standing back and looking at it all from a distance’ perspective. From this position, I can make a different decision on how I want it to affect my life presently. Do I still want that event or that person to maintain control over me? Do I want to give it the power to make me miserable? I know from this position that it is not happening presently and in the present I am OK. To let it still bother me, I am only attacking myself. I am the one suffering for it. Another client sent me a quote from an anonymous bumper sticker: “It’s not what people do that hurts us, it’s our response to what they do that hurts us.” When someone hurts me, I have pain, but the suffering is when I lament over it for months or years. It is only me that is suffering. I am not even getting back at that other person. I’m allowing that person to remain in control over my peace and happiness. Do I want someone or an event that hurt me to be in control of my peace and happiness? Some people would call this suffering an ‘illusion’ because it is not happening in the present moment. (I worry that calling it an illusion could invalidate many people’s experiences of trauma which I do not mean to do.) We cannot change that the trauma happened. However, in moving toward peace in our lives, we are interested in changing how the trauma affects us now.

‘Positive Thinking’ Skills and Obstacles- Part 2: Knowing It is Possible

March 19, 2010 Read 2 comments and add your own

As I explained, another obstacle to positive thinking is feeling like it is not possible. Coincidentally, I just watched Alice in Wonderland. One of the first quotes- “It is impossible if you think it is so” became the premise for the movie. The quote, “I believe 6 impossible things before breakfast.” came from the book Through the Looking Glass:
Alice laughed. “There’s no use trying,” she said: “one can’t believe impossible things.”
“I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. There goes the shawl again!”
(Through the Looking Glass, p. 153)
In this quote the queen instantly deconstructs this belief and brings forth ‘personal agency’. (Personal agency is the idea that we are an agent in our life, rather than mere passive recipients to what happens to us. That we can act in response to our experiences and this can give the experience different meaning.) When we don’t feel something is possible, it is important, like the queen to first, deconstruct this belief and second, connect with our agency in the situation. Believing the healing we seek is not possible, can limit us from healing. I operate under the assumption that anyone can heal from anything. Nothing is incurable. No problems are permanent. Life and our experiences are constantly changing; the way we make meaning around something makes all of the difference. If we think it is not possible, it will not be possible. So it follows: that we need to know it is possible for it to be possible.
So, how do we open ourselves up to believing it is possible to feel better, if it has been so long since we have felt OK? This is a good question. I first wonder where the belief came from in the first place. There is always a history to beliefs like this and learning about this can give us some useful information. I asked one person, “Where does thinking you won’t get better come from?” And they answered: “The Anxiety tells me I’ll feel like this forever.” I ask, “Does it tell you why you’ll feel like this forever?” “No”. “Can you ask it why?” Nothing! No embodiment of this belief. “Do you believe Anxiety, if it cannot tell you why you have to or should believe it?” She replied that she never thought of it like that. This question gave her the difference to think from a different perspective.
Also, I find it very interesting that people may not feel they can get better, but still take steps to try. This may seem feudal at first glance, but it tells me something more. I had this conversation yesterday with a teenager: I asked her: “Why bother coming to see me, if you don’t think you can get better?” Why indeed. We unpack it together and found she did have a smidgeon of hope that she could get better. Like the queen suggests, a smidgeon can grow if we ‘practice’ it. I am going to practice thinking about 6 seemingly-impossible-but-actually-possible-things before breakfast every day. I’ll let you know what happens.

Another way for people to embrace a possibility is to have a community of folks around us who believes in it. If people around us rally around this possibility, it assists us in holding onto it. If parents have confidence that their children can get better, has a huge effect on their actual progress. Aboriginals from Australia refer to what they call Divine Oneness. Our spirits and our minds are connected to each other and to everything.

‘Positive Thinking’* Skills and Obstacles- Part 1

March 11, 2010 Read 1 comment and add your own

I have many conversations with people about the power of ‘positive thinking’ and how this gets them through hard times. I am interested in making visible the skills it takes to muster up ‘positive thinking’ in near hopeless situations. As you can imagine, what I learn from these conversations is inspiring.

The laws of attraction, like attracts like, (i.e., positive thinking attracts positive things in one’s life) does not contradict with the ideas of narrative therapy. If we re-author a preferred story, we step into that story and begin to live it. If we are stuck in a dominant story, we continue to live that. We create our realities, our identities with the stories we understand about ourselves. We see ourselves in a story and we become that story.

Often there are circumstances when people have one or more obstacles to positive thinking. It is important to deconstruct these obstacles in order to undermine the power they have in keeping people down. By understanding them better and what holds them in place, we may be able to remove them as obstacles and move forth to ‘positive thinking’ once again. Some common obstacles are: “I don’t want to get my hopes up.” “I can’t imagine the possibility.” “I am not worth it.” “I’ll jinx it.” “That doesn’t work.”
This first obstacle is very interesting: I don’t want to get my hopes up. A 20 year old women and I were having a conversation about “Insecurities” she had in a heterosexual romantic relationship. In exploring more about what this meant, I heard about ways she was treating him on the account of the insecurities and how she refused to open her heart to him in case he hurt her (here, we see her ‘obstacle’ to thinking positive about the relationship). I decided to unpack it and asked her, “What is this an act of?” And she replied, “Protecting myself.” I asked her if it was working and she said that she thought so. Then, I wondered aloud what would happen if they broke up right now. She admitted that she would be devastated, and I asked how it was that she thought she would be less devastated if she held back her heart a bit. This stumped her. She just had assumed it would hurt less, but reflecting on it from this distance, she could see that it might not make a difference. Then, we looked at the consequences on the relationship when her ‘protection’ acted out as ‘Insecurities’, and how these actions were actually the most threatening thing to the relationship. It created conflict that has the potential to cause the demise of the relationship. Not wanting to get her hopes up that this relationship would last, was an obstacle to ‘thinking positively’ and opening her heart.

When one person thrust negative identity conclusions (You’re untrustworthy, you are going to leave me) on another in a close relationship, it has the potential to invite the person to step into that identity. Again the laws of attraction are at play. For example, if someone tells you, ‘You are worthless’, you might see yourself as worthless and it might really be hard to put effort into anything productive. Of course you don’t have to take on this identity. There are many accounts of resistance to oppression, but there is always a story to that resistance.

*’Positive thinking’ is just a concept or idea, but it must be defined in each conversation. As expressed in language it assumes dual thinking, good and bad, and though the concept I’m discussing is not limited to that duality, the words are limited. Other words I might use to express limitlessness in this concept may be more awkward, like LOVE thinking (not romantic love but the spiritual all encompassing, limitless kind of love or agape) or preferred reality thinking. I use positive thinking to keep it simple, yet I wanted to acknowledge those limits.

Spiritual Psychology

March 2, 2010 Read 6 comments and add your own

Conversations about spirituality have been occurring more and more in my therapeutic meetings with people. These conversations may be initiated by the other person as they are taking about how their faith, their relationship with God or their community affects their lives. But quite often people are asking “big” questions, like: “Why would someone do that?”, “Why is this happening to me? “, and “What is the point of anything?” And these questions, prompt me to initiate spiritual conversations. I am interested in knowing what a person wonders or understands about why we are all here. People seem to crave and immediately respond to these conversations as they provide a holistic view into what is going on for them. It is not a surprise that many therapists turn to other spiritual and non verbal healing practices, such as Shamanism, past life regression therapy and energy healing. I find myself intrigued by these practices as well. Perhaps a more holistic approach can reach into what people need reaching into, especially when recovery from trauma.
Spirituality has historically been a way for humans to understand the wonder as well as the suffering of our world. Their own spiritual and cultural ideas set a backdrop for how people make meaning out of events in their lives, so I feel it is important to include this context in conversations. Due to my interest in responding to people who experienced trauma, (be it in their families, communities, or at war) I have become more and more interested in the interface between meanings of our experiences and spirituality. These interests have lead me into much contemplation and research. For example, I listened to an interesting podcast on shrink radio, http://www.shrinkrapradio.com/?s=109&searchsubmit=Find a series of podcast interviews by psychologist David Van Nuys, PhD. In number 109, David interviews Edward Tick, a psychiatrist whose work with war veterans over the last 40 years led him to explore cultural practices around the world in helping warriors recover from the trauma of battle. Dr. Tick uses Shamanic practices in his work, yet remains mainstream enough to present a keynote at a NYS National Association of Social Workers symposium. Indeed the world of mental health is changing. Another example of this change to spiritual psychology is Dr. Brian Weiss. He is a psychiatrist who is the Chairman Emeritus of Psychiatry at the Mount Sinai Medical Center in Miami and a world renowned past life regression therapist.
People’s responses to spiritual conversations whose accounts I read from Dr. Weiss and Dr. Tick as well as those in my own office, give me hope that exploring spirituality can offer them new territories of living than they had access to previously. In these conversations people may have opportunity to understand pain and see avenues of hope and connection with what is most precious to them in their lives. This can be very powerful. I hope to soon write more about some of these conversations.

Resisting the Voice of the Eating Disorder

February 2, 2010 Read 2 comments and add your own

An Eating Disorder has a loud voice. This excerpt is from a journal entry from a 14 year old with Anorexia taken from the book Biting the Hand that Starves You: Inspiring Resistance to Anorexia by Richard Maisel, David Epston, and Ali Borden.

the voice of the eating disorder

I ask myself why am I so miserable? Anorexia pretending to be me…disguising its voice and imitating mine, answered: “ Because you’re fat.” Period. Very blunt. Anorexia approached me when I was miserable. It told me it could make me feel better. It told me that my fat was making me unhappy. It told me to get rid of the fat and I would feel better. Basically, Anorexia told me that losing weight would make me feel better, because all of my problems and all of my bad feelings were existing because I was fat and ugly. P. 46

A young woman picked this out for us to read aloud and discuss last week. It echoed perfectly with what she was experiencing. We had been talking about this certain predicament of the eating disorder. She says, “My life is better with the eating disorder, I am miserable without it.” She wants what it promises her and this means that when she follows orders, it stays quiet for a while. Following orders is hard work and uncomfortable, and this takes a lot of fun out of her day. This feels ‘happy’ in comparison to when she is acting in resistance.

She says she is miserable “without” the eating disorder, meaning when she doesn’t listen to its demands, it torments her and punishes her, often asking her to punish herself in some way, to redeem herself. Of course she is miserable, but I am not convinced she is “without” it. She is attempting to resist it, but it remains very much present; so threatened by her resistance that it takes its torment to another level.

I am aware she may not be able to imagine what life might be like without being tormented at all. Sometimes to remind her of this possibility, I ask her again to tell me why she comes to counseling, (I already know the eating disorder gives her hell for this). Sometimes this silences her, Eating Disorder doesn’t want her to talk. But sometimes, quietly, she can answer that she doesn’t want it anymore and that part of her wishes that she did not have to feel this bad. It is only when she’s invited to step back from this scene, she can see that both ways are miserable. It has been necessary to invite perspective from this distance over and over, as eating disorder draws her in again and again.

Resisting the Eating Disorder

I have seen the same thing with other young women. When they attempt to resist, the eating disorder gets so vicious and it deters them from trying further. These are eating disorder’s tactics to maintain power. This same young women comments about this: ‘I think it’s important to heighten awareness as much as possible of the ed’s tactic of trying to maintain power because if we aren’t aware we can’t even begin to resist. What are the signs of him/her trying to maintain power? How can we counteract those things? In what ways can we make them more visible? What helps us resist? What doesn’t help? ‘

However, if we look, we will always discover little bits of continued resistance. ‘Hope to get rid of the Eating Disorder’ often lies in these acts of resistance. I end this blog entry with another resistance letter to illustrate this resistance…

Bulimia,

If that is even your real name. You disguised yourself as perfection, attention, and control. You promised me a relationship of love, trust, and reciprocity. How could you betray me like everyone else has? What happened to turning to you when I couldn’t turn to anyone else?

I’m starting to see your true nature. Your real motives. You don’t want to save me. You want to destroy. The few things I have that are good, you are trying to rob me of. I can’t have real relationships when I’m having an affair with you. I can’t pay attention to school work when I’m only studying you. I can’t take care of patients when I’m nursing an addiction to you. When will you leave me alone? Won’t you just pack up and leave? Don’t make me do it. We both know I’m terrible at goodbyes. But maybe I can learn. Maybe I can learn to love myself so much that I don’t need you. I’m already good at hating myself. There’s no need for you to aid in that. So why are you still here? I think you need me. You are nothing but a parasite leeching the life out of me. The more I die the more real you become. And I know you’re becoming stronger as my weakness grows. You’re thriving off of my decline. I have to stop you. I have to stop you before you gain any more of me. You can’t have me. No matter what lies you may feed me, I am going to fight them. I’m going to fight your persistence. And I’m going to take your dedication as a compliment.

Thank you for making me worth it. I know I deserve better.

Jennifer

You can write a resistance letter to any problem you have not just an eating disorder.

What would you include in a resistance letter? 

Worry Globs, Too!

January 26, 2010 Read 6 comments and add your own

Adding Worry Globs

On top of how much we judge ourselves, we also have a significant amount of worry about what this all means, how long is it going to last, how it will affect my life, and what will others think, etc. I invite you to consider the diagram in the previous blog entry. When worry is present –and though it takes many different forms, it hardly ever absent—I try to make this visible, too. Once I have all the worries clearly named, I ask them to add them to the diagram to let me know their size in relation how many units of distress it is. You can see the result. Worries can get very big for some people. Sometimes even taking on a bit of a life of their own. If we took away the worries and the judgments, there would be so much less distress. It reminds me of Buddha when he says that the ‘suffering’ is not the pain, it is the angst and the fear, (AKA judgments and worries.) You may be wondering how, in this culture of self judgment and worry, do we take those out of the equation. I may leave this for another blog entry, but I will say making this all visible will surely have some effect on the distress.

Globs of Self Judgments

January 12, 2010 Read 11 comments and add your own

Some people look at others and assume all kinds of things about their lives. We assume people have better relationships than we do, easier times, less struggles. It is an incredible phenomenon how most people around us look as if they are more confident than we are. I wonder if it is more accurate to say that people look more confident than they are, because they are usually doing the same thing in their heads. Even I am not immune to comparing and judging myself to be ‘less than’. Most of us are constantly comparing ourselves to others and quite often assume we are on the short end of the stick. Once people come to this conclusion about themselves, that inner voice says, “Something is wrong with you that you are not like anyone else.” This may not be regularly shared with people around you, but in therapeutic conversations, I ask questions to bring out these inner voices.

What we uncover in these conversations is that people have self judgments about self judgments. They come on top of each other, pile high against the voices of confidence and self worth. I illustrate this on purpose to make it visible to them in the beginning efforts to undermine the power of the judgments themselves.

For example, someone feels a bit sad, which is associated to a recent event when they have had a loss or a disappointment. (Now, there is no way to judge the appropriateness or normalcy of a response by any person to any event. The limitlessness of possible responses is unimaginable. However, in order to contain this example, let’s say that from a big picture objective view; this sadness is understandable by all standards in view of the event. ) The self critic may start by saying something like, “You are sadder than you should be.” Then, “There must be something wrong with you!” Then, it says, “You are weak.” Then, “You can’t get over it; other people can get over it faster.” Then, it says, “Why do I keep thinking about how I can’t get over it.” (Is this a voice of reason or further judgment? Yes, self judgment can contradict itself. This is one of its tactics to throw people off the scent!) Then, “Why do I have to feel this way?” Then, “Why can’t I handle this, everyone else can handle it.” They pile higher and higher.

Do you hear the standards in these judgments? They are: ‘this’ is how sad you should be. You have to do this right. There is a right way to be upset. You only have ‘this’ amount of time to be upset. You can only get ‘this’ upset. You should feel ‘this’ way. You should be able to handle it.

Let’s say distress has units, Michael White used to call them ‘units of experience’. The original sadness had so many units represented by the small blue circle (see illustration), which is small by comparison to the units of distress this pile of judgments have. The units are multiplied exponentially. The picture above is an example of how someone might draw for me the unit of distress each judgment has represented by the size of the circle. The original sadness is just a small dot compared to the room full of distress Self Judgment causes. What if we allowed ourselves to be the ‘original sad’ without judging? I ask people, which is more distressful the original sadness or the pile on. Would you be surprised to hear that the judgment by far is named more of the problem?

In my conversations with people, I am also interested in deconstructing the idea that others are as confident as they look. Because this tends to separates us from others. The message is: “They wouldn’t understand.” “They can do it. I just can’t do it!” “It is easier for them.” It increases the feelings of isolation to feel not understood. This also increases our units of distress. I take people through a series of questions that invite them to see how they look to others. At the end of this, I ask, “Is it possible that you look confident to them, too? Is it possible that others may be struggling just as bad as you and you wouldn’t know it?” The answer is invariably, “Yes”.

———————————————————————-

If you are new here, put your marvelous email in the sign up form above, go to your email to confirm your subscription and receive my free ebook, What’s UP In Your DOWN? Being Grateful In 7 Easy Steps, just for being awesome!

Any questions? Plan to talk live with me on a teleconference July 17, 2012 at 8-9PM EST.  Sign up here.

Join John Perkins and I at Omega Institute, August 24-26, and/or 26-30 and learn how to Transform Yourself And The World.

Find me on Facebook Heal Now and Forever Be In Peace, join me Twitter @JodiAman, add me on Google+ Jodi Aman, or read more articles at HealthyPlace.com!

Page 19 of 20« First...10«1617181920»