Missing is a common human phenomenon. I feel “missing” everyday. I miss my family while I am working. I miss my clients when I am home. I miss friends who live out of town. I miss my family who have passed on.
Missing people can feel painful at times when the longing feels huge and a loneliness creeps out of the darkness.
Missing makes us feel separate, away from the one we love, un-whole, and thus un-well at times. Sometimes an undeserving aspect sneaks in. We can’t have them because we are not enough. It sounds ridiculous when said out loud but holds great power when whispered in our soul. It can feel like we lost part of our heart, or limb off our body. And we think we’d go crazy without that piece, like it is hard to breathe without it. But the air still comes in and out –much to our chagrin.
Missing means loving
Missing is a longing for someone (or object) that is important to you. The intensity in which you miss, is testimony to how precious that person, or pet, or object is. I have felt the longing so intensely that I wanted to cry every second of the day. And I often did. I found myself saying “I miss you, I miss you” over and over in my mind. Consumed by the grief yet wanting it to go away. At the same time feeling trapped by it, because it seemed impossible to escape without the presence of that precious person.
Then, while it is a regular human emotion, there seems barely tolerance in our culture to “miss.” Maybe because it scares people since everyone is so afraid of losing the one they love. So on top of feeling alone, I felt even more alone.
Until I remembered even loss is impermanent. And that the person is still a part of me.
It has helped me to practice re-membering (a concept by family therapist, Michael White). I think about the presence of that person’s influence on me (in me and with me). I think about these four questions:
What did he or she contribute to my life? What did he or she appreciate about me?
What did these say about who I am as a person?
What ways did I contribute to his or her life?
How did those contributions affect him or her as a person? (How did those contributions affect how he or she saw her/himself?)
This helps me connect to the love that was between us, which helps me feel more connected to the person. There can be a physical separation, but this doesn’t mean there is distance in the relationship. The relationship is wherever you are. Even if someone dies biologically, the relationship lives on. Knowing this quiets the loneliness because how can I be lonely while connected? And then I wonder, how could I have ever felt so separate? There is still love. They still love me. Isn’t that what I long for? Peace returns to my heart and mind.
“A Butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam…and for a brief moment it’s glory and beauty belong to our world…but then it flies on again, and although we wish it could have stayed, we are so thankful so have seen it at all.”
A friend of mine’s dad died in 2011, and I was asking her if the holiday season was hard. She said it is worse this year. Last year her and her family were still pacified by gratitude that his suffering ended since the illness was so painful for him in the end.
“This year”, she said, “It is harder… I just miss him.” She said it with a face shining with love. And all I heard was the love.
Holidays are hard when you are missing someone. If this is what you are going through I want to point you to some awesome blogs who are providing a place where people can connect with other people with insider knowledge of significant loss.
This is a poem I gave to a friend in High School when her mother died.
On Wednesday, December 19th Four Plus An Angel will have multiple link-ups on the sites below, where you can read, comment and/or link up according to the type of loss with which you are dealing with.
“Sometimes knowing others understand (just a little) feels
like a warm hug inside.” Kim Robinson from My Inner Chick.
- If you have had a miscarriage, stillbirth or
loss of an infant link here: fourplusanangel.com - If you have lost your mom link here: sandiegomomma.com
- Your dad link here: mamamaryshow.com
- Your sibling link here: myinnerchick.com
- A child link here: aninchofgray.blogspot.com
- A friend here: kimtracyprince.com
And remember I am available for sessions over Skype or FaceTime if you are finding the season extra hard this year. Call me at 585 5445342. In the meantime remember missing is often associated with guilt. Watch this video on guilt I made on Anxiety Schmanxiety Blog this week.
When we miss, we feel separate, and when we love, we feel connected.
“How can I say I miss you when we are still sitting beside each other in the circle?”
Evelyn Prieto
Did “I miss you” ever mean “I love you” to you?
Please share.
Absolutely! My grandmother passed away this time of year and I always miss her more now. I know that’s because it’s the time of year when I remember how much I loved her and still do.
Kelly Hashway recently posted..Next Big Thing
That is beautiful, Kelly, I am sure she knows.:)
You’ve gone live and whatnot. Now, I may be inclined to get some help if I saw a real comfy couch to stretch out on.
totsymae1011 recently posted..Cover Design No. 1: Sock It to Me, Baby
I got a comfy couch for you!
–Jodi, you are an angel.
I thank my God for your life.
Soooooo adorable in that video.
Thank you for opening up your arms and soul to the universe. Xx
My Inner Chick recently posted..I Fall
((Bow))
Thank you. I am speechless by your words. Thank you.
Love your contribution to the world, Jodi xx
Solid gold creativity recently posted..The Complaints Book (or, 1884 version of comments section of online newspaper article)
Thank you so much. You are too kind.
Oh yes I miss you for me purely means I love you for we miss someone when we just want that person to be with us and express our love to them <3
Such a lovely post at the right time as I am missing a lot of people right now and its pushing me to call them to say I Love you!
Privy trifles recently posted..Wishful thinking!
I hope you’ve called them and I am sure it meant the world to them. Made them feel loved and worth it!
I agree Jodi!
Missing someone means we love them that dearly so as to miss them once they leave. It reminds me of my Mom whom I lost a few years back, and I miss her the most of all. I guess we need to appreciate and value those whom we have in our lives, while they are with us – isn’t it?
Thanks for sharing.
Harleena Singh@Freelance Writer recently posted..5 Ways to be Courageous
We do, but then they can always be with us, in a way!
Love this line — When we miss, we feel separate, and when we love, we feel connected.
my daughter was visiting last weekend and then left to return to Vancouver. I miss her. I love her. and in the loving her, I let go of feeling separate and no longer miss her — though she will be missed at the Christmas dinner table!
Hugs — thanks Jodi!
Louise Gallagher recently posted..Shining bright we make a difference
Your love will always connect you!
I always miss my Dad. It’s been five years, but during the holidays my heart is always empty without him. Hey Dad,,, hugs from here..
brenda recently posted..She and Me, In Her Shoes
I’m sure he feels them. And loves them.
This is so true Jodi. Love is really all there is in life. Everything else is an illusion, albeit a persistent one.
Take Care.
Justin recently posted..How to Deal With Unhappiness in Your Life
It is persistent, and those of us who balance it with love need to speak up! Thanks Justin!
Hi Jodi,
I like your topic and it connects me too. At times we don’t understand the value of a person till we are separated. When we have that person in life we aren’t able to understand the importance of that person in our life. But realization comes when we are separated by distance, communication or in any means.
I want to share my experience. I have two childhood friends that I was close to them but never understood their importance in life. But after my schooling I shifted to some other state. Then after 2-3 months I got a realization that I am missing something and then, I got how important my friends were to me. I think it happens with many.
Thanks for putting up the topic and one more thing I forgot to mention you have beautiful smile. Keep smiling!
Shorya Bist
From Youthofest
Shorya Bist recently posted..Importance of sports and games for youth.
I think this kind of response helps us appreciate people the next time and show them how we feel! Thanks for the compliment on my smile. I appreciate it!
Jodi, this post resonates with me on so many levels and coincidentally, it is exactly what I was thinking about and have been dwelling on for the past week. And it has to do with the passing of my father. I agree wholeheartedly with your friend–during the first year that daddy was gone, my family and I felt a sense of peace that his suffering had come to an end. We sought comfort from the belief that he’d made his way to heaven. Nevertheless, the second year was so much harder. His absence is now more tangible, more concrete. I realize he won’t be sitting with us at the dinner table, that he won’t open presents with us, that he sip hot cocoa while we watch Christmas shows. The pain is overwhelming. Missing him is overwhelming. You have no idea the insight this post has given me. Thank you. And may I say you are more beautiful than I thought! I loved watching your short video on guilt–so helpful! It’s posts like these, blogs like yours, that really help readers understand, process, and begin the journey of acceptance. Hugs and more hugs for you!
Bella recently posted..A Christmas newsletter with a twist?
I miss you has always meant I love you for me. Missing someone feels so painful sometimes, and some other times, it makes me smile. I smile when missing the person reminds me of the love we share, and it hurts when I feel I need that same love and can’t connect to it, or when circumstances like misunderstandings have separated us.
I can see clearly now that when missing someone feels painful, it doesn’t depend on that person, but it comes from inside me, it’s a need I have that i am taking from that person instead of looking for it in myself. This means that missing someone will stop being painful only when I will learn to love myself and find the love and care and attention I want, in myself.
I used to think that after we meet, missing you will be less painful, but it’s not true. I also used to think that the bigger the love is, the more missing is painful, but now I am aware that this is wrong, and that it is painful when I can’t look into my heart and need the other person to do it for me. I miss you with a big smile
Nikky44 recently posted..Guest post: An open blessing
You got it Nikky. The painful missing, is a bit about your un-worthiness, it is not love. Underneath it, it is “evidence” that you don’t deserve. It’s a lie. The rest of the pain is that your heart is a bit too open (from the chakra perspective) that’s why I have sent you to Hevré.