This is the third of 10 Things to Do in 2012!
“You are allowed to feel! You are allowed!”
I was “giving permission” to a client who was attempting to allow herself to be angry for the first time. She closed her eyes tight, tried to breath, and stay with me. But panic arose.
“What might happen? This feels horrible!”
I asked her to describe how it feels, what images she might be seeing. (I wanted to shed light on it, so it wasn’t quite so dark and scary. When our problems remain in the shadows, they have more power over us. When we shed light on them, allow them, they can come forth, open up, and heal. The power now returned to us.)
She said it was like fist size balls of anger with barbed wires on them right in her chest. ”It feels awful. I don’t want to feel this way.”
You are allowed to feel
There are many reasons we don’t want to feel a feeling, but it usually leads back to guilt and fear. For her, it was both. Guilt that she was not allowed to feel this way which had developed into a fear if she did. She grew up in a culture that put women in their place, and had sustained a violent marriage for many years. Anger would have brought her criticism and abuse. It was not safe.
Here, she was safe. Not only would I not judge, but encourage and allow. I asked her to breath light into it. (A guided meditation, “Day Four: Two Minutes to Peace” if you want to listen. Meditations Download)
I told her it was OK to feel angry. ”It is appropriate for what happened to you.” This is a magic word for some people. ”Appropriate.” They have gone on so long thinking like they were “wrong” for their feelings. Perhaps other people told them they were wrong: “Don’t take it so personally.” ”Just calm down.” ”You need to let it go.” These all contribute to us judging ourselves that our feelings are wrong, or pathological. It is a double whammy. Not only do you feel bad, you have to feel bad, you feel bad.
Thinking that something is wrong with what we feel can cause so many problems in our lives. An unfelt, unresolved feeling, especially one we judge to be pathological can reek havoc on our emotions, our relationships, and our identity. How would our lives be different if we just allowed them?
“If you don’t start a feeling, you cannot take that feeling to an end,” says one of my favorite authors, Geneen Roth.
She is brilliant.
awesome book on allowing
Once they are allowed, we can end them. And this surprisingly does not take long. (Thus the meditation is called “Two Minutes to Peace.”) The stories about the feelings, and what happened- blaming ourselves and blaming others- that fill our head, have us run away from feelings. This is what takes so long. We think a feeling is unbearable yet we are willing to endure years of self torture with stories of blame, fear and guilt cluttering our mind. When we allow ourselves to feel, without the story, just feel, it can go away. Faster than you ever imagine.
After breathing light into it for a couple of minutes, my client said that the ball of anger lightened, and came up into her throat.
“I’m ready to get it out. Let it go.” She said resolutely.
She took the rock I handed her in both her hands and brought it up to her mouth. She camayed (blew the energy of) the feelings out into the rock, very hard from deep in her gut several times. After, sitting back on the couch with her eyes still closed, a peaceful look came over her face. She breathed. She was quiet for a few more minutes, feeling the peace without the anger. Then, she sat up, opened her eyes and smiled.
“That felt so much better than holding it in!”
I smiled. ”You are allow to feel better, too!”
What I used to call coincidences, are happening more and more often. I don’t know how to describe what this post made me feel, but I will just say Thank YOU.
I am so glad you liked it! You are allowed! Sending light and love as always!
it feels nice to read this post over and over again. it feels so good to know i’m allowed to have these feelings, but i can’t. Something inside refuse them, it turns them into a scaring anger towards myself. im ashamed of myself. im embarrassed of this.Its been a week that i work on myself to keep it inside, not to share it with anyone, but its destructive. Everything in me is refusing it.
I hear it is hurting you to keep in and you are struggling to allow the feelings. Try to figure out what is the belief that refuses to let you have them. That belief needs to be changed. (Could be where the shame comes from.) In that last sentence are you refusing to keep it inside or refusing to feel it? Or almost both?
it is both, because keeping it inside is killing me, but at the same time i refuse to have those feelings because its like my whole world will collapse if i do. I’m not allowed to be sick, not allowed to be hurt, not to feel pain, not to even have a headache, not allowed for treatment nor for friendship or love or sympathy. That’s what’s in my head since ever. You must be strong, if something happens to us you will raise your sisters. you should be strong, we count on you, we depend on you, now your kids depend on you, be strong.On another hand, if i show any kind of emotion, it was you’re still a baby, only babies cry. you’re stupid, you’re weak, you’re…..
Yes, these beliefs are restricting. But the world might not collapse if you feel, but you are collapsing under the weight of the feeling unexpressed. At least write them.
True, I am collapsing
Jodi, I love this quote: “If you don’t start a feeling, you cannot take that feeling to an end.” I never thought about it that way, but it’s true. I think this is why every so often I feel the need for a good cry. I have to get those feelings out.
Kelly Hashway recently posted..Destiny’s Fire by Trisha Wolfe
You know, I love a good cry, too!
Yay, Jodi! I’m so glad you wrote this. Too often we make our so-called negative feelings “wrong,” when they are a beautiful gift, too. When we learn to accept and allow anger — but express it appropriately — it can unlock great stores of energy within us. When I explore my depressed moments, I always come up with some needed solution or change of direction. I would love to see our society learn to integrate these feelings rather than to suppress them. Brava!
Nadine Feldman recently posted..The War of Art: Winning the Inner Creative Battle by Steven Pressfield
Thanks, Nadine, I have had lots of similar feedback, a gratitude. I guess we all need permission. Maybe we can change the world!
Working on giving myself more permission to feel the “yucky” emotions and not just the fun or safe ones. Funny how as women we feel we “should” only feel certain things.
Beverly Diehl recently posted..Dear Sir/Madam Political Correctness, I’ve Got A Small Bone to Pick Guest Post by TotsyMae
I hear you. We have lots of undoing to do!
What a great way to let out your anger. I hadn’t heard of that but it sounds powerful. I’m impressed!
Monica recently posted..The Undoing of Gleda Balls
Thanks, Monica, it was powerful!
Jodi, most certainly holding in or repressing any emotion is bound to be toxic with time. This sounds like a wonderful exercise to cleanse body and soul!
I am not giving myself the permission to say how I really feel or even to feel the way I do. I am scared to write so that it doesn’t show in my writing. I am aware that it is wrong, but it’s not easy to show it.
nikky44 recently posted..Sisterhood Award: A smile in the dark
You have shared your heart before. This feels different since you are more vulnerable, but you’ve done it before. Please remember!